In the very early 2000s, only a few weeks after I had moved to Finland, I was walking my dog in Punavuori in front of the Aleksanterin teatteri when an elderly woman clad in a full-length mink coat and mink hat stopped to fawn over my handsome and friendly companion. I awkwardly smiled and nodded, as one does when you have no idea what is being said or how to respond, given that I knew very little Finnish. When she said something I knew was a question, I replied rather sheepishly that I didn’t understand Finnish. She immediately proceeded to spit on me and shout at me, which my Finnish spouse would later translate for me as being hateful of foreigners at a time when the non-Finnish population of Finland was roughly 2%. It made an indelible impression on me of how Finns view foreigners and is largely why I never feel as though I’ll ever be accepted whilst living here, especially now with the current government, even though I’m white, highly educated, have learned the language, have mostly integrated, have a number of Finnish friends, and even love salmiakki. I looked around corners for her for years whenever I was walking my dog, both wanting to avoid her and also to confront her.

I was going to play sports in one of the central areas of Helsinki. I was dressed normally, with all cloths bought in Finland, I was walking silently, no talking my native language. I am from Eastern Europe. Suddenly I heard someone screeming “excuse me” somewhere behind my back. I was sure nobody would call to me in English in this kind of situation because normally in all situations people started to talk in Finnish to me. Therefore I ignored this screem. However, it continued for at least 5 minutes that I was walking. In the end I was thinking that maybe someone in trouble and decided to turn. I was shocked to see 4 teenage boys of age around 14yo holding something in their hands and being very much right behind me. Their screem “excuse me” was addressed to me. When I asked them what do they want, they asked if I know where is railways station. Since this neighborhood was new and I genuinely didn’t understand them, I said that I don’t know. The next moment one of them said: “So where are your fucking country from”. When I got what is the point of this situation, I just turned and continued my walk. And at this moment they started to throw rocks at me and run after me. They hold rocks all this time in their hands. Since it is very difficult to just randomly see that I’m foreigner and especially identify it just like that in the street for a group of people , I was very afraid that they might be getting this info from hacking some services, because it is literally still a mystery to me how they know that I was a foreigner.

Too many anecdotes to count, but here goes one. I get along very well with my landlord (which seems to be uncommon in Finland) and we sometimes meet. He has been attentive and even asked if my neighbors were respectful considering I am not Finnish or a white European. One day him and his wife invited me for dinner and I mentioned I go shopping to Iso Omena later in the day. She said she goes only during the week, because in the weekend there are too many Middle-Easterns. When I looked at her surprised, she tried to fix it by saying that she has met many Middle-Easterns and she just doesn’t like them. (So does she not like me then?) I don’t understand how she ever thought it was appropriate to say something racist in front of her immigrant tenant. Besides, she holds a pretty high up position in a government agency which is in charge of international collaboration.

I have a Finnish friend with whom once the conversation went on discussing the latest government propositions, e.g. 8 years requirement for obtaining a citizenship. This friend has plenty of international friends and views immigration positively. Yet when it comes citizenship, in her opinion 8 years requirement is good as one needs to “deserve” to become a Finnish citizen and – even after 8 years of living here and speaking the language that wouldn’t ever be enough be considered “Finnish” as this is something only a person born and grown up here can be. Super nice encouragement for someone trying to find/build a sense of “home” in this country.

I once applied for a job and got a nasty e-mail reply from the person taking applications: “Why did you even bother applying for this job? You don’t fit all the requirements.” I was so angry at her message that I actually replied that they would never find the perfect candidate, so it was a worth a shot.

I have twice applied for new jobs advertised internally where I am employed. I have been passed over twice because of my “lack of Finnish language skills.” We are a large international company and our company language is English, Finnish is not required. The big boss didn’t want to hire me because it meant he would have to speak English and that made him uncomfortable. I only stay where I am because even though I hate my job, I make good money and have flexible hours. I am not motivated to try and advance my “career” because I won’t ever be worthy enough in the eyes of my employer. Why bother? I have decided to make my impact outside of my job, in which I have been incredibly successful. It makes me wonder why I waited so long.

Even though I am a Finnish citizen (and have been for many years), my father-in-law once told me, “You’ll never be Finnish enough.” I know he loves me and respects me, but that is a comment that will stick with me for life.

I was invited to a friend’s birthday party where a passionate comment was made. The comment came from a white woman (also non-Finnish) who said that “There is no racism in Finland”. Being the only person of color at that party, I found the comment rather ignorant and hurtful. In my defense, I started telling her and the others all that I had faced until then. Recounting all those incidents one by one made me uncomfortable to say the least. And of course, the response was, “Oh! I’m sorry you went through this, but I still think there is no racism in Finland, probably because I am white.” To this day, I still do not know what she meant. Obviously, this person is not my friend anymore and that was the last time I ever saw her.